Mixin' with the Southern Baptist

My letter to ChurchOfChristSingles.com:

Dear Church of Christ,

I have recently met someone, and I think she is the love of my life. We are almost the same height, we both like the Cleveland Browns, and she reads out of the King James Bible. There seems to be only one slight problem. She is Southern Baptist. Not only am I worried about some doctrinal differences we have, but I'm also worried about what will happen if we get married and move out of Oklahoma. What if we move up north to Chicago? Are their Northern Baptists? Or for that matter eastern and western Baptists? I'm new to this whole Baptist thing so help me out!

I think its great what you are trying to do. Down with eHarmony! Sometimes I kind of feel bad for Abraham's servant who was tasked with finding Issac a wife. He had such a long way to walk! But with the Internet I just have to press the right buttons and instantly I'm happy. Incredible! Keep up the good work!

On second thought, what do you think about arranged marriages? I bet you I would already be married by now if my parents had chosen a girl for me. Than I would be incredibly happy and feel complete. But I'll keep trying to get up the courage to type a few emails if things don't work out between the southern Baptist and I. Don't you worry!

By the way, my new love, her name is Rebekah too. Can you believe it? Wow! I guess Walt Disney was right, it IS "..a small world after all." Insightful man.

Grace and Peace,
Blake Blackwell

A little McDonald's Never Hurt Nobody

Dear Ronald,

I recently heard that there are two extremely greedy girls – let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we? – who/whom are blaming their weight problems on your quality line of products and are suing you. This is atrocious! I would never have considered my recent need to buy size 32 pants (up from size 30) as a result in partaking in a delicious 30 grams of fat, 560 calorie Big Mac. I must confess though that I think the bean burrito at the neighboring Taco Bell may have pushed me over the edge (literally and physically).

Is there any way I can contribute to your legal funds? Now I’m aware that probably 1/10^th of a dime from every hamburger I buy goes directly to your crack squad of legal scholars, but if I could up the ante with perhaps a George Washington I’d be more than happy to help. This kind of nonsense must stop!

I just want to thank you for feeding the American public. I think sometimes we forget what you’ve done for us. If only we could return to the innocence of our Happy Meal days, that’s what I’m always telling my female friends anyway. I wonder if this logic is why I can’t get a date?

Thank you Ronald, for your time. I’m sure you are busy sitting on the playground bench waving to the kids. Oh, this brings up one more point. Perhaps if you rescinded the 4-foot ban on the height restriction to your wonderful playground us grown-ups could get in the ball-pen and burn a few calories. Just food for thought!

I know you are a family man so I’ll let you go.

Keep on counting!
Blake Blackwell

p.s. What do you think of this Jerry fellow? Do you think he has a personal trainer?

----------------------------------------------------
Response from McDonald's

Hello Blake:

Thank you for contacting McDonald's. We greatly appreciate your support.

We too believe common sense says this particular case makes no sense. The latest ruling simply delays the inevitable conclusion that this case is without merit.

The key issue remains personal responsibility and making informed choices. McDonald's will continue to offer a menu of quality and variety that gives customers a wide range of choices that can fit into a healthy well-balanced diet. McDonald's has provided nutrition information for 30 years so that our customers can make informed personal choices based on their own dietary needs.

In addition, thank you for you interest in wanting to help McDonald's. The best way you and other customers can help us at this time is by offering your continued support.

Thank you again for your supportive comments. We look forward to serving you under the Golden Arches soon.

Robyn
McDonald's Customer Response Center

ref#:2599659

Please do not "reply" to this email response. All "replies" go to an unmonitored mailbox and are not reviewed. If you wish to contact McDonald's Customer Response Center again, please visit our website at www.mcdonalds.com.

No Need to Turn Your Heads This Year Folks!

Dear FOX,

I want to thank you for the excellent Super Bowl Half-Time show you put on last night. I'm from Oklahoma City, which I lovingly refer to as the belt-buckle of the Bible Belt, and let me tell you there was a collective sigh-of-relief that was felt over the metropolis last night right before the third-quarter. Before you dismiss me as a right-wing Christian evangelical fundamentalist, let me just reassure you that I am just that. But I am extremely thankful that you attempted to reach out to all people instead of a niche market of 18-33 year olds with extremely bad taste in music (how the American populous could ever consider Kid Rock or Janet Jackson talented is beyond me). It was such a refreshing, classy show which proves that it is possible to entertain all people of all ages at the same time. Typically my friends and I usually turn off the television and either play cards or sing “kum-bay-yah”, but not this year, and if next is anything similar than certainly not next year either.

In fact, the entire Super Bowl was great. The only complaint, and really I can’t hold this against you, is that my team the Cleveland Browns didn’t get a chance to play.

Might I just make a few suggestions for next year? Could I recommend Trans-Siberian Orchestra for the half-time entertainment? They have great pyrotechnics, and they are so extremely musically talented beyond just the Christmas Season. You just don’t even know. I also think that it would be ideal if you’d let the Cleveland Browns play next year. That would be fantastic.

Many thanks! Go Browns!

Your “New Niche Market”,

Blake Blackwell

Site Revamped!

I decided the whole serious thing was just not working for my blog. Thus I've decided to start posting the emails I send to various companies and hopefully their humorous corporate responses. I hope you enjoy this new avenue of , and if you'd like to ever talk about something deep, please just let me know!

Farewell

Due to time constraints (as in I have no time), I will be only posting at the soon up-and-coming Gabe, Peter, Blake blog: SonsOfEvan.