My Fear

I'm afraid of knowing God. I think I've had this fear before, but now this fear seems stronger than ever.

This may sound strange. Especially if you know me. I love God. I love going to church. I love my Christian friends. I love learning all I can about God.

But still I'm afraid. I think I realized why. Because I'm proud. I'm pretty amazing. Or at least think I am. But deep down, in those moments of solitude - those times I actually slow down to contemplate - I know I'm not.

And I realize that if I start truely knowing God and following His word, I'll have to change. I may have to give up my busyness that gives an appearance of being an important Christian. I may have to give up my humor, wit, and sarcasm that gives an appearance of unbounding joy. I may have to give up my knowledge of scripture that gives an appearance of knowing God.

I need to become humble. I need to become nothing. I need to love others as I love myself. Truth is, I don't want to. Because I know I can get away fooling you from now till the day I die. But I can't fool Him. And that's what haunts me.