iShuffle or Bust!

Dear Apple,

I love you! I think you are the greatest company ever! I think, and I may be just gushing here, but you may even be cooler than the Cleveland Browns. Go Browns!

You see, I’ve been a loyal Microsoft guy before I was even born. Which is really quite impossible since I’ve been around for some twenty-four-odd years now, but still, you know what I mean right? Microsoft had me right from the start, so to say. I was double-clicking in the womb. I was trying to delete Internet Explorer before Al Gore had even invented the Internet.

Ok, sorry, it is really hard for me to let go sometimes. You know how it is with long-term relationships; they kind of fade hard when you have so many share bonding moments of agony.

Last week everything changed. I tried to give Microsoft a sign that things were going south, but all I got was a letter from a customer rep named Cherlene who said she was going to “forward” my letter on to someone in the right department (still waiting on reply). I’ve seriously felt warmer in the Antarctic Ocean. Then I got my iShuffle! Let me tell you, it worked so well the first five minutes of my run I had to stop and catch my breath because I went too fast! And when I hit a hill and “Eye of the Tiger” started up I knew it was love and there was no turning back.

So thank you! You are wonderful and I hope you keep up the good work. I would love to hear from you sometime. Let’s do lunch!

Not Knowing What Song is Next and Lovin’ It,
Blake Blackwell

New Posts Coming Up...

Dear Loyal Consumer Advocates and Fans of Blakewell,

Here is a listing of upcoming letters that I plan on writing in no particular order:

1. Microsoft: Follow-up letter with Cherlene, the customer support rep who contacted me. I will proceed to ask her if I'm getting the run-around and see if she taking me as seriously as she should. :)
   
2. Apple: This will be in the form of a sonnet or love letter gushing about my new iShuffle (I may also dennounce Microsoft, I haven't decided yet. If Cherlene keeps giving me the run-around who knows what might come out!).
3. Blockbuster: I plan on engaging Blockbuster in a deep philosophical conversation about whether the slogan "No Late Fees" is a modern or postmodern statement.
4. Steak 'n Shake: I will be contacting Steak 'n Shake to determine the point of origin on where their sayings come from with their new Sunday Shake advertising campaign.

Consumers Unite!
Blakewell

The Fall of Saddam Only Opens Up New Opportunities at the Top

I am slightly under the gun at work right now, so I am pulling up an old, old email that I sent to my professor at OC asking him about lunch plans several months back. Based off of the content of this email it was written right after the fall of Saddam. I have chosen, for the sake of the professor's privacy, to withhold his name, but I think a lot of you will know who it is. Enjoy!

Letter Written to OC Professor:

Bismallah!

I hope you are not in hiding with the recent fall of your shaggy dictator. Since I haven't heard from you in ages, my only assumption has been that you have been in a cave somewhere in the mountains. The end is rapidly approaching for your kind, so you may want to rethink your stance and perhaps become a double-agent. I say we rendezvous and discuss this next week sometime at an undisclosed location. Morse Code me your thoughts and we shall go from there.

Blake

OC Professor's Reply:

You infidel-capitalist fool! This only serves to strengthen my resolve. I will admit that I was disheartened for a short time, but then I heard the quote about our great leader refusing a glass of water because otherwise he would have to go to the bathroom, and how could he do such a thing when his people are in captivity? The thought of his bladder expanding to the size of a pregnant camel—all for us captives; doesn’t it just make you want to keep up the fight?

It is definitely time for another get-together (maybe we could find a rat-infested hole where we could share some stale bread). My two weeks “off” before school starts is rapidly being scheduled for me by those with higher power than I (as if that narrows it down). I’ll shoot you an e-mail once school starts; maybe we can rendezvous about the middle of the month.

~Bismallah

Moving Up the Chain of Command - Maybe to Even Bill himself!

Here is my first response from Microsoft. From the looks of things, more to come...

Hello Blakewell,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft.com Customer Support. I have forwarded your mail to the appropriate Microsoft group for review and response.

Your comments are very important to us. By taking the time to write, you are helping us provide the best possible products and services.

Sincerely,
Cherlene
Microsoft.com Customer Support

------------------------------------
Here is my previous email to Microsoft entitled Please Forgive Me Bill Gates.

Please Forgive Me Bill Gates

Here is my email to Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft on my unfaithfulness to his great company:

Dear Bill,

It’s with great trepidation that I write you Bill. You see, I’ve been with you since 1995, and never once had any doubts. That’s right, I was there when things started really getting good. I loved Windows 95! And the Internet? What would we have done if Al Gore hadn’t invented it?*

But now, alas, I’m afraid I’m having the “ten year itch.” You see, I’m faltered and am not as faithful as I once was. Bill, I don’t know how to say this, but I bought an iPod! Alright, don’t beat it out of me. I don’t even use Internet Explorer anymore! I can’t figure out how to remove IE, but that sure didn’t stop me from downloading Firefox. There! I’ve come clean! I feel so much better about myself now.

I’m just writing because I hope you can forgive me Bill. Or do you prefer William? Anyways, I should know that by now, and I don’t. Wow I feel bad.

Can I ask you one other question while I have your attention? Why is hmmm spelled with two or three m’s and not four or more? Have you never let out a good “Hmmmmmmmmm”? I have. More than once. But every time I try to let out a good “Hmmmmmmmmm” in Microsoft Word or Outlook it gives me the red line of death. I really wish you would turn the red line of death into the blue line of polite suggestion. The red ink pen still haunts me from my early days in elementary school.

Bill, I really hope you can forgive me, and I want you to know that at the core I’m still a Microsoft guy through and through. I talk about you every day at work and say “Well Bill was dead on with that one.” You see I’m actually a .NET developer. As I always say, “.NET in the house!”

Yours forever,
Blakewell

*Funniest thing I ever saw on television: “If Al Gore invented the Internet then why does it start with Dubya, Dubya, Dubya!” What a great guy we have for a president, huh?