A year ago about this time it began. I was reminded of this in two ways yesterday. First, I had a bad dream. I occassionally have dreams about my mother many which include images of the last few weeks of life with her. Last night was of a different variety in that for a period of time I believed my mom was still alive and I got to talk to her again. While this is pleasant during the dream, waking up is another matter. The second reminder was from my mother's best friend who emailed us to send us her sympathies since it was June 28th that she was first told that my mom had level three ovarian cancer.
I won't retell the roller-coaster summer that was the summer of '05. I'd like to spend this next portion of my blog reminiscing of how I've grown and life has gotten back on track, and everything is now coming up roses for me, but I won't. God has, however, blessed me in numerous ways, and I'm extremely thankful for His help in the last year.
No, I'd like to just be honest and say that things have changed. While I've always had a jovial disposition, I at times am quite sad. I feel my own mortality daily, and am fearful of my own death. Even more I'm afraid of the death of my family and friends. Somehow this mortality deeply affects my outlook on life and how I view the world. I can't quite place my finger on it, but the things that are considered trivial seem even more so now. Gone is my joy of being continuously goofy, flippant, and silly - replaced by a measured sobriety tempered with somberness.
I love God. I believe in God and always will. However, I have a hard time being like Paul in his zeal. Perhaps I will grow more and more into the stature of his ways where I can one day say "To live or die, all is but gain for Christ" [paraphrase]. And maybe like James I can count it pure joy when I am tried. But I feel more like David who got frustrated, depressed, and even felt desserted by God. Like David though ultimately I believe that God is good and just and will praise His name all of my days. Lord, come quickly.