This Mother's Day has been a fairly good day. Naturally it is one that is somewhat bittersweet, as it is the second Mother's Day without my mom. It doesn't always hit me that my mom is gone unless I need her. Or, as in a day like today, I want to show her love. And really that seems the essence of motherhood. Someone that is merely there, never asking for much in return, but there when you need them.
But I think things are starting to fit back together. I foolishly thought that after my mother's death I could shut out the pain, and put life together back with a smile and a laugh. I didn't realize that my approach never allowed me to deal with the loss. But, finally, this year due to other things going on I felt like I started to have all the human emotions again. Joy, sorrow, frustration, elation, and anything else that falls in between.
And that is good. Pain can do strange things to an individual. If you allow it, you can become slightly sub-human. Too happy to be real, or too sad to be enjoyable. I think I chose the "too happy to be real" approach and eventually realized that I no longer was a normal person.
So, on this Mother's Day, I look back and can be thankful for all that my mom did. I was blessed to have a mom that loved me and who made me into a good man. I will miss her on days like today. I will miss her on holidays, and I will probably miss her even more on those big days in my life that are still on their way. I'll miss her wise counsel and her affirming approval that I am the person she always wanted me to be.
She's not gone, though. I represent her now. I carry her spirit on. And that is my gift to her.