Sometimes I think I'm not selfish. That I care about others, and that I'm not self-absorbed. That I truly love my friends.
Then I'm reminded I don't.
I'm reminded I'm selfish.
Caught up in my own world.
I went out with a friend recently. A friend I hadn't talked to in a couple of months. We had grown apart, and really I had started to take it personally. I'll just be up front and admit that I deal with self-doubt and confidence quite a lot.
But when I talked to this person, I realized it wasn't me. It wasn't that she was trying to avoid me but that she had withdrawn from all people that are close to her because she was struggling.
I should have known this. I should have not taken it personally and should have kept up with her better. After all we had been friends for years. I should have looked past my own issues and looked out for her.
That's the quality of friend I am.
I read a book about monks once. You know what I really liked about monks? They seemed to be in tune with people. In large part because of their celibacy they had no self-doubt, no petty jealousies. They could simply deal with people where they were at and know when people were struggling and needed a friend.
I wish I could be that way with my friends. I wish I could be that way with any person who needed someone. And maybe I could - if I could just get past myself.