A few people have mentioned a little bit of surprise to my last blog, and I must say that in hindsight it was probably poorly written and perhaps even of bad taste. This was certainly not my intent, although it has made me to realize the difficulties I'm undergoing and perhaps the stress that came through when I wrote that blog.
This whole sad event (I can't find suitable terms to express the loss of my mother, so sad event will have to suffice) is becoming tougher to handle that I thought, and my attempt to go to St. Louis was an effort to produce some stability in my life. Sometimes you need something to hold on to, and when you've been thrown out of one endeavor you thought meaningful and God-inspired to deal with another experience you can't even fathom to be God's work, and are then enduring the aftermath of loss on top of culture reentry shock, you want to hold on to any solid ground you can find. To me, having something worthwhile to do is that solid ground.
Therefore I jumped at the first solid job opportunity which came my way. And my mind was so jumbled I couldn't see all the variables clearly. Thus, my whole failure to communicate how hard I am taking this is a huge part of the problem. Not only do I have trouble admitting that to myself, but to others. I am afraid it is me who has the inability to comunnicate.
Part of the problem comes in my lack of understanding God as well. It is natural as humans to throw things at God and say, "Why would he do this?" Why would there be a hurrican so devastating that it uproots entire cities and strews families apart? Why would a tsunami hit Asia and kill thousands? Why would a disease exist that we can't even fight? Yet while I want to throw these questions at God, I don't really see the validity of them. God asks Job to explain the mysteries of His creation and like Job, I come up speechless. The questions I want to ask really do not appear valid. But this confusion, this speechlessness, does not help either. Ahhh how frustrating it all is!