My Faith is Like Shifting Sand

Sometimes you realize you forgot to put God in the picture. Sometimes you realize what you really need is friends. Sometimes you realize...you are human.

Today I really struggled with my choice to move to St. Louis. My life has more or less been a roller coaster the entire year and I nearly ran off the tracks today. I forget that I've been through a lot including quitting a good job, starting a challenging position in Japan, watching my mom suffer terribly and finally passing away, to handling the loss of her while searching for a job.

I got to St. Louis feeling incredibly depressed. By lunchtime I could hardly even talk to my dad and did not feel good at all about moving up there and living by myself in a town where I know no one. Having already verbally committed to the position I felt ethically obligated to keep the position even if it meant suffering through it. While it may have worked out, after much heart wrenching toil and thought, I decided it best not to make the leap.

Somewhere along the way I really need to grasp that money and opportunity is not the most important thing. I've got to realize that God will take care of me. I also need to realize that being an autonomous human being is not really what's best for me either. Being independent and free spirited is not always incredibly healthy. God did after all create the church for strengthening and edifying.

And thus I find myself once again searching. But now I'm no longer searching for a job but for purpose, for meaning, and for what God really wants. Hopefully this time I'll get it right. Or rather, hopefully this time we'll get it right.


MattL said...

Thank you Blake. Thanks for sharing your life and struggles. I wish I had more to say but...
You are in my thoughts and prayers always.

Anonymous said...

Posting your thoughts and fears does more than you know. It has touched people you probably thought wouldn't. Your posts make a difference.

kteachjoy said...

Blakewell, I can already tell the sand is transforming beneath your feet. With His help you'll be on solid rock before you know it. Keep your chin up, but at the same time, let yourself grieve and have a little time to focus on your healing. It's okay to be sad and to even focus on YOU at times. In fact, you should. As you know, you are in all of our prayers. Let us know if we can help in any way!

Kari said...

Thank you so much or sharing your life and being transparent with us... you are an encouragement to me and I pray that God will give you peace and that you will relay on him during this time. We miss you…I know we did not get to get to know you so well but you made an impact here in Japan. We are praying for you!

Jon said...

You ever read someone's blog and the associated comments and just get blasted with Bible passages that may or may not apply to the current situation? I honestly can't really sort them out to have anything relevant for you right now. Therefore, all I can offer is my prayers and a hope that God will use you wherever you are OR wherever he takes you.

Rusty and Rachel said...

The interesting thing about Paul's writing to the church at Philippi to "...work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and act according to his good purpose” is that the ‘your’ and ‘you’ in Greek are plural-not singular. Being from Tennessee I suppose the better, more clear way, to translate this is “work out ya’lls salvation with fear and trembling.” Understanding this is important-urgently so. I was brought believing that was an individual passage and didn’t realize until on into Grad School that that was completely missing the point. We’re not standing alone before God-we’re standing together for Him. He doesn’t intend for us to figure this life out in solitude-but in holy community. I pray you find that community wherever God intends to provide it for you. Now, especially, you need to warm hugs, prayers and smiles of your brothers and sisters in God’s house.

Father God, provide that family for Blake that will help him in working out salvation and in which you will act for your glory. Amen.


Court said...

Hi Blake,

A couple of weeks ago, I heard for the first time the song by Caedmon's Call (I think?), in which they sing, "My faith is like shifting sand / so I stand on grace." Amy Nickerson, Allison Hreczuch, and Brianna Caroll sang it at the Ladies' Retreat we attended in Austria. It meant a lot to me to learn that song, beause I was one of the main speakers that week, and I was scared out of my wits. Just goes to show, once again, that my faith isn't strong enough most of the time. I'm so thankful for God's grace.

I know my fear over public speaking is nothing like the loss and the struggles you've been going through over the last few months.....but I do understand feeling the need to lean on God because my own strength isn't sufficient. Just wanted to share that with you.

Have a great week!