Sometimes you realize you forgot to put God in the picture. Sometimes you realize what you really need is friends. Sometimes you realize...you are human.
Today I really struggled with my choice to move to St. Louis. My life has more or less been a roller coaster the entire year and I nearly ran off the tracks today. I forget that I've been through a lot including quitting a good job, starting a challenging position in Japan, watching my mom suffer terribly and finally passing away, to handling the loss of her while searching for a job.
I got to St. Louis feeling incredibly depressed. By lunchtime I could hardly even talk to my dad and did not feel good at all about moving up there and living by myself in a town where I know no one. Having already verbally committed to the position I felt ethically obligated to keep the position even if it meant suffering through it. While it may have worked out, after much heart wrenching toil and thought, I decided it best not to make the leap.
Somewhere along the way I really need to grasp that money and opportunity is not the most important thing. I've got to realize that God will take care of me. I also need to realize that being an autonomous human being is not really what's best for me either. Being independent and free spirited is not always incredibly healthy. God did after all create the church for strengthening and edifying.
And thus I find myself once again searching. But now I'm no longer searching for a job but for purpose, for meaning, and for what God really wants. Hopefully this time I'll get it right. Or rather, hopefully this time we'll get it right.