Sometimes you realize you forgot to put God in the picture. Sometimes you realize what you really need is friends. Sometimes you realize...you are human.
Today I really struggled with my choice to move to St. Louis. My life has more or less been a roller coaster the entire year and I nearly ran off the tracks today. I forget that I've been through a lot including quitting a good job, starting a challenging position in Japan, watching my mom suffer terribly and finally passing away, to handling the loss of her while searching for a job.
I got to St. Louis feeling incredibly depressed. By lunchtime I could hardly even talk to my dad and did not feel good at all about moving up there and living by myself in a town where I know no one. Having already verbally committed to the position I felt ethically obligated to keep the position even if it meant suffering through it. While it may have worked out, after much heart wrenching toil and thought, I decided it best not to make the leap.
Somewhere along the way I really need to grasp that money and opportunity is not the most important thing. I've got to realize that God will take care of me. I also need to realize that being an autonomous human being is not really what's best for me either. Being independent and free spirited is not always incredibly healthy. God did after all create the church for strengthening and edifying.
And thus I find myself once again searching. But now I'm no longer searching for a job but for purpose, for meaning, and for what God really wants. Hopefully this time I'll get it right. Or rather, hopefully this time we'll get it right.
9.07.2005
9.06.2005
What's Next?
Well, while I feel I could continue to write more about my mother and the spiritual challenges/questions that surround this part of my life, I feel like it would be best to take a different path with this blog. Yet I can't decide what this path should be. So you, my wonderful readers, get a chance to decide!
I really think it would be quite funny to write my own eHarmony blog, much like Auvrey did. I doubt I can even compare with her blog in terms of content, simply because her blog was just way too hilarious and she is a far better writer. Yet I must admit its a great idea, and while it may be plagiarism, it would be fun.
The second idea I've come up with is perhaps writing a bit of commentary on the books I'm currently reading. Perhaps using them as a springboard for random thoughts and ideas. Currently I'm in the midst of reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and computer books on .NET technology. I'm sure I would lean towards the .NET books for much of my insight into this unpredictable world we live in. Thank you Microsoft.
And thirdly, there is always my random and tumultuous life that I could depict for you since I'm now moving to a town (St. Louis, MO) where I know absolutely no one. I could go in to my rides on the metro, my explorations of the town, and the incredibly interesting people I will meet.
The choice is yours! Weigh in and let me know!
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Addendum
Well since today has been an especially rough day in my decision to move to St. Louis, I completly skipped over discussing it on purpose. But since I was caught in the act, here is the scoop.
I will be working with Bryan Cave, a large law firm in downtown St. Louis doing programming/web development type work. The job is a contract to hire and has me employed till the end of December. From there we both decide whether or not its a good match and I will either be hired on full-time, extend the contract, or find something else.
The hesitancy comes because I heard from Chesapeake today. After spending a weekend with friends and being at my old church in OKC, I realized how much I missed the place and really had a strong urge to return to my former job. Yet I had already given my verbal agreement to join and thus being a man of my word I will honor that comittment.
Why St. Louis? I really don't know. I think I'm primarily mixed up about a lot of things and really went for the first good looking job opportunity came my way. So yes, I probably should document how it goes and will do so since I am far better at blogging currently then I am emailing.
I will be emailing out my cell phone number soon once I have a new St. Louis number.
I really think it would be quite funny to write my own eHarmony blog, much like Auvrey did. I doubt I can even compare with her blog in terms of content, simply because her blog was just way too hilarious and she is a far better writer. Yet I must admit its a great idea, and while it may be plagiarism, it would be fun.
The second idea I've come up with is perhaps writing a bit of commentary on the books I'm currently reading. Perhaps using them as a springboard for random thoughts and ideas. Currently I'm in the midst of reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and computer books on .NET technology. I'm sure I would lean towards the .NET books for much of my insight into this unpredictable world we live in. Thank you Microsoft.
And thirdly, there is always my random and tumultuous life that I could depict for you since I'm now moving to a town (St. Louis, MO) where I know absolutely no one. I could go in to my rides on the metro, my explorations of the town, and the incredibly interesting people I will meet.
The choice is yours! Weigh in and let me know!
-----------------
Addendum
Well since today has been an especially rough day in my decision to move to St. Louis, I completly skipped over discussing it on purpose. But since I was caught in the act, here is the scoop.
I will be working with Bryan Cave, a large law firm in downtown St. Louis doing programming/web development type work. The job is a contract to hire and has me employed till the end of December. From there we both decide whether or not its a good match and I will either be hired on full-time, extend the contract, or find something else.
The hesitancy comes because I heard from Chesapeake today. After spending a weekend with friends and being at my old church in OKC, I realized how much I missed the place and really had a strong urge to return to my former job. Yet I had already given my verbal agreement to join and thus being a man of my word I will honor that comittment.
Why St. Louis? I really don't know. I think I'm primarily mixed up about a lot of things and really went for the first good looking job opportunity came my way. So yes, I probably should document how it goes and will do so since I am far better at blogging currently then I am emailing.
I will be emailing out my cell phone number soon once I have a new St. Louis number.
8.26.2005
My Mom
The following obituary was composed by my dad and myself and will be in our local newspaper, so I wanted to post it here as well for everyone who does not live in Springfield, MO. I want to thank everyone who has been supportive in all of this.
Marcia Blackwell was a cherished wife, mother, and friend who understood that her most important relationship was with her Savior, Jesus Christ. We mourn her loss yet we gain comfort because of her faithful life.
Marcia was a quiet, gentle spirit. Her life overflowed with love and determination. She continually displayed her love and determination to her husband, sons, and family by supporting them in every worthy endeavor and guiding each to happiness and success. These virtues carried over into her relationships with her Christian family and friends.
Marcia was born in Lima, Ohio on January 10, 1951. She was a graduate of Elida High School of Elida, Ohio and attended Baptist Bible College in Springfield, Missouri. She met her husband, Jim, while working at Commerce Bank of Springfield. They were happily married for twenty-nine years. She was a valuable employee on the New Mothers Unit at St. John's Hospital for sixteen years.
She passed away in Springfield, Missouri on August 25, 2005. She is survived by her husband Jim, eldest son Todd and his wife Jill, two younger sons Blake and Marc, mother-in-law Viola Blackwell, and brother-in-law Don Blackwell. Her parents, George and Velma Nixon, and siblings Sue, Ed, Candice and Anne also survive her.
The funeral will be held at Sunset Church of Christ on Monday, August 29th at 10:00 AM. Visitation will be at the Greenlawn South Funeral Home on Sunday, August 28th from 2:00-4:00 PM. Marcia has requested that donations be made to the Ronald McDonald House Charities of the Ozarks in her memory if people wish to do so.
We will miss her deeply.
8.20.2005
Nowhere to Look But Up
During the course of the past several weeks I have tried to maintain a positive outlook. I hope in some way I have relayed little truths of what I've discovered during this arduous journey while ne're complaining about the lot my family finds itself in. Yet tonight I'm not sure if that's possible.
I am quite down. We have had several seemingly near death experiences starting last Sunday morning at 1:30 AM. I use the word seemingly because every time my mom has pulled through. On Thursday of this week she had a terrible choking, coughing episode that lasted nearly an hour. It was perhaps the scariest experience I've ever encountered and since that time she has been unresponsive the majority of the past few days.
This marks day thirty-three of our time in the hospital. Being there, that long, has its effects on a person. I went to Wal-Mart today and almost experienced culture shock because unbeknownst to me the world has continued going on outside of the hospital. It's been almost two weeks since I felt like it would be appropriate to go out with friends and have a good laugh. All of these stresses wear on a person.
And I've decided not to return to Japan. This choice, which I deliberated and pined over for nearly four weeks, did not come easily. In many ways I feel ashamed of my decision yet I feel in no way capable of handling a foreign culture right now or any time soon. A foreign culture is difficult enough as it is without going through the loss of a family member. This unfortunately leaves me unemployed and thus I now am starting to face the scary reality of not having a job for awhile.
So I find myself worn out, lonely, unemployed and despondent. This post however was not meant to garner sympathy. I write this, perhaps to vent, but also to assert that God is still good. He can do immeasurably more than I can imagine and He has told me not to worry, that He will provide. While I perhaps do not internalize these beliefs too well, I do at least want to vocalize them in hopes that soon I can believe this not just with my lips but my heart as well.
I am quite down. We have had several seemingly near death experiences starting last Sunday morning at 1:30 AM. I use the word seemingly because every time my mom has pulled through. On Thursday of this week she had a terrible choking, coughing episode that lasted nearly an hour. It was perhaps the scariest experience I've ever encountered and since that time she has been unresponsive the majority of the past few days.
This marks day thirty-three of our time in the hospital. Being there, that long, has its effects on a person. I went to Wal-Mart today and almost experienced culture shock because unbeknownst to me the world has continued going on outside of the hospital. It's been almost two weeks since I felt like it would be appropriate to go out with friends and have a good laugh. All of these stresses wear on a person.
And I've decided not to return to Japan. This choice, which I deliberated and pined over for nearly four weeks, did not come easily. In many ways I feel ashamed of my decision yet I feel in no way capable of handling a foreign culture right now or any time soon. A foreign culture is difficult enough as it is without going through the loss of a family member. This unfortunately leaves me unemployed and thus I now am starting to face the scary reality of not having a job for awhile.
So I find myself worn out, lonely, unemployed and despondent. This post however was not meant to garner sympathy. I write this, perhaps to vent, but also to assert that God is still good. He can do immeasurably more than I can imagine and He has told me not to worry, that He will provide. While I perhaps do not internalize these beliefs too well, I do at least want to vocalize them in hopes that soon I can believe this not just with my lips but my heart as well.
8.18.2005
Love Defined
Love. This oh so elusive term in my life has always been a mystery. I turned to movies to solve my questions and unfortunately wound up lacking. Girls do not actually fall in love with the nerdy sweet guy who is persistent; they do however fall in love with Matthew McConaughey. The illustration of love found in literature from works such as Pride and Prejudice only befuddles me more while music leads me to believe it is some sort of possessive act.
However, over the past thirty days I have seen what love is truly about. And through this demonstration I've also realized its been under my own roof this whole time.
My dad has been the most caring, loving and faithful husband a woman could hope for. Over the past month he has been at the hospital an average of 18-20 hours a day. Not once has he ever came home to sleep in his own bed and rarely does he leave mother's side. He has served her meeting every request with a willingness to bid every entreaty she might put before him. He holds her hand and has told her multiple times, when it looks like her time has finally come, how much he loves her and treasures the time they had together.
Yet this love has been going on not thirty days but for over twenty-nine years. I tried to recollect times when I recalled my mother and father fighting. While I'm sure they had their arguments not a single door was ever slammed nor was either voice ever raised. They spent nearly every evening together at the dinner table laughing, listening and crying while discussing their days. Many vacations were spent exploring the US together as a couple and as a family. And these details are merely the visible, readily accessible memories that I possess. What went on between them is undoubtedly even more special.
If love decides one day not to be so elusive than I hope that I can model my relationship off of my parents. May it be an example of peace, stability, reliability, happiness and joy. Perhaps these aren't movie, book, or song worthy attributes but its what love defined looks like.
However, over the past thirty days I have seen what love is truly about. And through this demonstration I've also realized its been under my own roof this whole time.
My dad has been the most caring, loving and faithful husband a woman could hope for. Over the past month he has been at the hospital an average of 18-20 hours a day. Not once has he ever came home to sleep in his own bed and rarely does he leave mother's side. He has served her meeting every request with a willingness to bid every entreaty she might put before him. He holds her hand and has told her multiple times, when it looks like her time has finally come, how much he loves her and treasures the time they had together.
Yet this love has been going on not thirty days but for over twenty-nine years. I tried to recollect times when I recalled my mother and father fighting. While I'm sure they had their arguments not a single door was ever slammed nor was either voice ever raised. They spent nearly every evening together at the dinner table laughing, listening and crying while discussing their days. Many vacations were spent exploring the US together as a couple and as a family. And these details are merely the visible, readily accessible memories that I possess. What went on between them is undoubtedly even more special.
If love decides one day not to be so elusive than I hope that I can model my relationship off of my parents. May it be an example of peace, stability, reliability, happiness and joy. Perhaps these aren't movie, book, or song worthy attributes but its what love defined looks like.
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