During the course of the past several weeks I have tried to maintain a positive outlook. I hope in some way I have relayed little truths of what I've discovered during this arduous journey while ne're complaining about the lot my family finds itself in. Yet tonight I'm not sure if that's possible.
I am quite down. We have had several seemingly near death experiences starting last Sunday morning at 1:30 AM. I use the word seemingly because every time my mom has pulled through. On Thursday of this week she had a terrible choking, coughing episode that lasted nearly an hour. It was perhaps the scariest experience I've ever encountered and since that time she has been unresponsive the majority of the past few days.
This marks day thirty-three of our time in the hospital. Being there, that long, has its effects on a person. I went to Wal-Mart today and almost experienced culture shock because unbeknownst to me the world has continued going on outside of the hospital. It's been almost two weeks since I felt like it would be appropriate to go out with friends and have a good laugh. All of these stresses wear on a person.
And I've decided not to return to Japan. This choice, which I deliberated and pined over for nearly four weeks, did not come easily. In many ways I feel ashamed of my decision yet I feel in no way capable of handling a foreign culture right now or any time soon. A foreign culture is difficult enough as it is without going through the loss of a family member. This unfortunately leaves me unemployed and thus I now am starting to face the scary reality of not having a job for awhile.
So I find myself worn out, lonely, unemployed and despondent. This post however was not meant to garner sympathy. I write this, perhaps to vent, but also to assert that God is still good. He can do immeasurably more than I can imagine and He has told me not to worry, that He will provide. While I perhaps do not internalize these beliefs too well, I do at least want to vocalize them in hopes that soon I can believe this not just with my lips but my heart as well.