Let's Show We Care to all Species, Not Just Homo Sapiens

Dear RBOLTO2@hallmark.com,

Salutations! It's so awkward for me to be writing a letter to you. Please forgive me if I don't use the correct format. You see, I'm just so used to walking down your great "Halls of Wisdom" if you will, and saying it with Hallmark. You know, I should send you a thank you card with one of your brilliant epitaphs! Wouldn't that be great? But seriously, it's like I always say, "If you're going to say it then show you care with Hallmark." Every time! Wedding? Hallmark. Birthday? Hallmark. Graduation? Hallmark. Death? You better not use anything but Hallmark!

However, and I hate being critical, but your Valentine's Day selection yesterday was a bit lacking in the way of cards for pets. It could have been that I waited till February 14th which my mom has repeatedly told me not to do, but alas I still did (I'm a chronic procrastinator). When I got to your store I couldn't find a single card for my pet turtle Cartesia. Cartesia is a very special turtle to me because she has been there from point x to point y and has never missed a beat. When I broke up with my first girlfriend, guess who was there for me? That's right. Cartesia. When I moved into my apartment by myself and I was lonely, wouldn't you know it but Cartesia kept me company. She is a great turtle. Naturally I wanted to send her a Valentine's Day card.

Anyways, I'm not just being selfish here, I really think this is an untapped market that you guys may have overlooked. Here is a sample Valentine's Day card for turtles next year:

I love my turtle,
Who isn't named Mertle,
And really isn't very fertile,
But that doesn't stop me from loving my turtle.

What do you think? You like it? I won't charge you a dime if you want to use it, just put "Anonymous" at the end.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Blake Blackwell

p.s. Do you have sympathy cards for football teams? I'd like to send one to the Cleveland Browns.


ann said...

I'm glad you've found a hobby, albeit a very peculiar one. But at least it will travel well with you around the world. :)
By the way, that turtle poem has got to be one of the funniest things I've ever read. Mertle the fertile turtle?! :) Hahaha...

SluttyBunny said...

you are so funny that i've put u on my to read list..